Let’s get straight to the point, when we are talking about intimacy with a stoma we are talking about the intimacy of sex. We are talking about having a sex life and what it will be like after recovering from stoma surgery.
This is certainly a topic I have had many open conversations about with people. I am fortunate that I have been with my wife for around 25 years, and when we met I did not have a stoma. I knew when it came to having a stoma that sex would not be an issue. Of course I had the early niggling doubts about would Rachel (my wife) be put off by seeing the stoma bag in those intimate moments? I had doubts about how I would feel for the first time in those intimate moments – how would I feel seeing the bag in those intimate moments? Would it put me off? Would it put Rachel off?
These are completely natural questions to ask yourself, and you should never feel afraid to ask your partner these questions, their thoughts and feelings are valid.
For Rachel, there was absolutely no issue, it did not change the way Rachel felt about me, and it did not change the way we are intimate together. Nothing has changed, well that is not quite true. In the early days of intimacy, I would always make sure I left my t-shirt on. Whilst I chose to have a stoma and it changed my life for the better, in those early days of intimacy I actually did not want to see the bag. Even if Rachel told me to take my t-shirt off, I would not. I had to take my time and get used to it. Eventually the t-shirt came off – so there is the change! There is no better intimacy than skin on skin! Get your clothes off people and enjoy it!
Some of the above is easy for me to say as I have been through all of this with Rachel. I have spoken to a number of people that have stomas and they are single. The question I get asked the most is “when do I tell someone I am dating I have a stoma?”
At some point dating is going to develop, and that development will be sex. Of course you are going to have to tell the person you have a stoma before sex happens. This is, of course, a difficult question for me to answer as I have never been in that situation. So I went out and spoke to a number of female and male friends. I asked them the same question: “if you were dating someone and they had a stoma when should they tell you?”
The overall response was if the dating is going well and you are learning a lot about each other then surely it would just naturally come up in conversation as you would be talking about your life, family, hobbies and health. If the stoma is an issue for people then you get your answer as the dating will fizzle out. Nobody should ever make you feel uncomfortable about your stoma, and if they do, they are not the person for you.
As I mentioned earlier a lot of this will all come down to you and how you feel about your stoma. When you first have your stoma, intimacy/sex will be the last thing on your mind anyway! My advice is always the same: take your time to recover, take your time to understand your stoma, take your time in caring for you and your stoma and most importantly, talk about your feelings with someone – never bottle these feelings up.
If you do the above it will help you when it comes to intimacy/sex.
Other items that can help are waistbands that cover the stoma; there are some great waistbands out there for men and women that look and feel good. You can get naked and just have the waistband on which will cover the bag and also make it look flatter. Also, have a look at the bag you are using; some bags like the ModaVi can fold in half reducing their size, plus the black ModaVi bags look good and are soft to touch. And finally, if the moment allows, change your bag before sex – putting on a fresh empty bag instantly makes you feel better about sex.
There are really no limits regarding sex and having a stoma. If you had an active sex life before, you can carry on doing exactly what you were doing before. The only thing I will say is, if you are performing sex positions that put a lot of strain on your stomach or stoma area, I would seek some advice! Apart from that, have a great time!
Remember most of this will be about your feelings, so overcome those. There are people I know that have met new partners and everything is awesome.
I hope you enjoyed this blog, now go and enjoy some intimacy.
